Something just occurred to me. At 2.04 am, something just occurred: I have some fucking serious issues.
Never go back to your livejournal from college to "revisist" how you felt. Skim through your paper journals, sure, but livejournal. It's just too easy to say and feel some ridiculous shit on the internet. I know I'm no longer that sad, massively depressed person, but my god was I in need of a firm shoulder-shaking and probably a swift smack back into reality. Haunted by idealized notions of "men," scared of my own academic shadow, and festering in my own inability to get out of my head. We always hear about people meeting in college and falling in love and getting married and spawning, but I can honestly say that it is a miracle of my neurotic and antisocial personality that it never happened to me. Because I'd be in trouble. And I'd probably be on the drink. I had such weird expectations and such a small, narrow perception of who I wanted and thought I could be. I was so anxious, so worried I would do or say the wrong thing. So scared I would make a mistake I couldn't take back.
Which is pretty ironic, because all of the glaring "mistakes" I've made in recent memory have turned out to be the best decisions (albeit hard ones) I've stumblingly made. Move to France for no obviously good reason? Check. Tell one of my best friends that I'd been in love with him since the dawn of time and then drown in the shit storm that followed? Check. Delude myself into thinking that some French guy was genuine and sincere and charming and heartfelt when he was really just a grade A douchebag? Check. Then confront him? Check.
I can't really think of anything else that's made me cringe by just remembering it, which is... good. A definite step in the right direction. My life seems so much simpler and happier and less anxious now that I no longer obsess over emotionally distant / unavailable guys. And also now that I know for a fact that I can be smarter than the desk and it usually helps if I remember the fact that I do not need a dude in my life to tell me I'm awesome in order to be awesome.
It's a revolutionary thought. I can be creative and intelligent and witty and charming just be being myself. I need no Other. EAT THAT, SARTRE.
over and out.
*While this post was primarily brought to you be Self-Esteem, I should note it was also sponsored by a glass of very strong red wine. K thanks.
*Also: so I can stop bothering you with my etsy stuff.
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