I've, uh... certainly failed on that front these last six weeks. I don't pretend to be using my time in Istanbul wisely at the moment. And I'm simultaneously kicking myself for that, and accepting it. There gets to be a point when wandering the streets alone admiring the humid scenery and stray cats seems less desirable than sitting in my apartment drinking sparkling water and trolling Etsy. This week my work schedule has been wonderfully/financially lackluster-ly open. My weekday morning class ended last week with great relief for everyone involved, and my weekday evening class ended on Tuesday with one of my students taking me out for beer and heartache swap. It was awkward, and yet totally on par with most of my experiences in Turkey. After downing half a liter of shitty Efes (Turkey's national beer), I decided that anything further would give Hasan the wrong impression. (He also refused to believe that Aydın wasn't lying about his motives for breaking up with me, and that pissed me off.) We parted only after Hasan refused to let me pay for my beer, and kissed my hand. Anyway. I've had the last three days completely free.
Yesterday I performed an interesting roommate responsibility and took Hatice's cat Layla to the vet for a cat hysterectomy. Awake earlier than usual, I decided I should probably use the day and hauled myself to Taksim, Istanbul's liveliest, hippest, most central area for what I hoped would be a good veggie burger and a book for my friend Necla. My veggie burger expedition was unsuccessful, but I did end up taking a really awesome diversion that brought me back to possibly my favorite street in modern Istanbul. I remembered walking down it when my mom and I were here last year, and seeing the most beautiful cat sitting on a stool with a little leash. So naturally I wondered if I could find the cat again. I did, but I also found a hole in the wall coffee "brewery and roastery" with hands down the best goods in the city. I also found an English language academic bookstore with the entire Loeb green series of Latin and Greek texts, which blows my mind. I haven't seen those anywhere but the stacks at Reed. I intended to get "Catcher in the Rye" for Necla, but flipping through it, realized that most of the words in that book are very old slang. So I landed on another classic... (get ready for it) Charlotte's Web. Which seems more appropriate for her English level anyhow. I know she's going to be surprised that I'm giving her a kids' book starring a pig. Turkish people, semi-unsurprisingly, have a deep-seated mistrust of anything porcine. It extends beyond the taboo of eating pork. It's like they refuse to acknowledge that pigs are like any other creature, capable of both cuteness and intelligence. I'll never forget Aydın inspecting my VEGAN Better-Than-Buillion for a whisper of pork product in the ingredients. When I reminded him that "vegan" meant "no meat or animal products whatsoever - including pork" he shook his head and kept looking. So. Weird. (And endearingly irrational.) So we'll see.
And now it's time for the big news you might've heard already if you caught me on Gchat yesterday, or received a two line email from me half hoping for an argument. (Last night was epic. I guess I should probably be less of a cagey bastard more regularly, huh.)
I'm going home next month. Yes. As in I'm leaving Istanbul. Turkey. Both Europe and Asia. I am returning to California. I've been thinking about doing so for six weeks, hoping things would get better here. Hoping, if I'm honest, that Aydın would come to his senses and I would have a reason to stay. Hell. Hoping to find another reason to stay. But after spending the last six weeks bawling my eyes out everyday and going to bed depressed only to wake up depressed, I can see that I'm not getting much better. And what's worse - I really fucking resent Turkish culture. I hesitate to write that, but what happened in this "situation" isn't even about ME, Anya. Common sense and my roommates have told me that. This break up happened because I live in "The Old World" and my former significant other refused to step out of that. Being here alone is exhausting, and right now, it just doesn't seem worth it. Not when everything reminds me of how happy I was a few months ago and thus, how unhappy I am right now. So though I don't especially want to return, nor leave Istanbul, (nor swallow my pride in such a big way,) it seems like the best choice emotionally. Much to my surprise, Hatice agreed with me when I broke the news to her last night. So. June 27th. (Yes, ironically it IS a round trip ticket so I had to select an arbitrary return date, but hell would probably have to freeze over for me to take that flight.)
I'll leave you guys with a list I made to cheer myself up a few weeks ago:
SHIT THAT'S AWESOME:
-my mom's bicycle
-my friend Amy and her four dogs
-Utopia Cinéma in Bordeaux
-my ice cream maker
-curly hair
-spectacles
-Philip Pullman's books
-This American Life
-the Aya Sofya
-the Chartrons Pizza Man
-growing tomatoes in the backyard
-tranny nail polish
-sweet potato fries at Whole Foods
-Vodka + Orangina + Hump Day
-that time I split my pants getting out of a hot air balloon at Renn Fayre
-marine life
-Fal, Turkish coffee cup fortune-telling
-coffee cake muffins
-watermelon
-elephants
-letterpress cards
-the Gaufre Liègeois food truck in LA
-rosemary bushes
-bagel + hummus sandwiches
-my elephant teapot Kate found for me at the flea market
-vinho verde
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