Jake and John

"Life is about minimizing regrets." - Jake Pavelka, the Bachelor [season 14]*

Wise words from a stray Texan.

Today, Valentine's Day, is one of my most despised days of the year. Other front-runners include: my birthday, visits to the orthodontist, any day I have to interact with the employees of Kaiser Permanente, French medical visits, and... umm... those 17 hour days of travel between LAX and CDG. Those cramp my style real bad.

Valentine's Day and I go back as arch-nemeses since I was a tender six years old. My mom took a month-long sabbatical in India and the separation anxiety hit me something hard. It's distant in my memory, but I still remember sobbing into my red sweater. I remember being incapable of really believing she would ever come back. And I remember my dad feeding me and my brother unpeeled carrots for dinner, which frankly, just seemed uncouth. We went to the movies a lot that month, and though I was really close to my father at that point, what has endured in my brain and heart is the panic and fear and crushing sadness of my mother's absence. She even managed to send us cards, candy, and in my case, jewelry, from India - a terrific surprise - but the loss. Oh, the loss.

I think, even after eighteen years, I've never been able to quite shake that feeling, or at very least, that association. Today I spent a fidgety afternoon cleaning my room and ignoring the date. I did some block-printing, some sketching, and some feeling antsy. Thinking about all of the loves I've felt for people. All of the ill-conceived ways I've chosen to express that affection. Some of them have been pretty creative and others have been spectacular failures - a few have been both. But I can say with certainty that my regrets are few, and even though I often roll my eyes at my own taste in men, I know that I choose to see the best in people. And I'm very generous when it comes to "best."

An email tonight reminded me of a lesson I'm still trying to learn:
Intelligence, moodiness, and unbreakable emotional walls do not make someone worthy of my time. Sometimes the mystery is more interesting than the insecurities behind it. And perhaps language barriers are some sort of karmic protection. Maybe?

In any case, I take comfort in both Jake Pavelka and John Keats on this chilly evening in Bordeaux. For while I may lack a significant other to buy me chocolates, I had the pair of shoes, the coat, and the €1.40 necessary to cross the street and buy them for myself. I am healthy, optimistic, unburdened, and bursting with life and "that's what she said" jokes. Also, this Keats quote makes me feel like a giddy school girl:

"I never knew before what such a love as you have made me feel was. I did not believe in it. But if you will fully love me, though there may be some fire, it will not be more than we can bear when moistened and bedewed with pleasures."

Bedewed with pleasures. Hot damn. Sign me up. And if anyone happens to know Ben Whishaw, sign me up for him too.

Happy Valentine's Day, lovers.



*Just so you cynics know, while I do watch The Bachelor every chance I get, it's not often I grab a pen to write something down while luxuriating in the drama of it all. Never before have I deemed the Bachelor (or Bachelorette - though Meredith was no moron) quote-worthy. Jake's no joke.