Our contract ends on April 30th. We are leaving Bordeaux in a month and a half.
Thinking about it makes my stomach turn. Literally - I get that heavy, aching feeling of fear and anxiety. My lungs feel simultaneously full and empty, and my throat tightens. I know that I have to move on; that my life here in Southwestern France has always been a temporary experiment. But it hurts and terrifies me, quand même. I'm afraid of change, and despite having spent the majority of my life there, moving home to California will be a rough and jolting experience.
I saw a movie last summer that's really stayed with me: "Away We Go." I don't want to ruin it for anyone, but it's about a couple in their early 30s trying to figure out where they should relocate. More than that, really - what it is they need from their surroundings and from themselves to create a "home." I'm blessedly neither in my 30s nor expecting a child yet, but I sometimes worry that I understand the sentiment behind "Away We Go" a little too well. I feel like I'm my own worst enemy, incapable of staying in one place, and yet perpetually heartbroken about moving. Miserably out of place in Los Angeles, and yet so attached to my family there. Torn every which way.
Packing up my postcards, clothes, and few books in a few weeks will be another major tear. I've never been in love with my apartment, but saying goodbye to the streets I walk down every day (every day slightly uneasy about seeing my students out and about, which I always do), my produce stand at the market, the blonde waitress at Ailleurs à Bordeaux, the couple who own the tchaï bar, the aisles of Monoprix... My students and some of the teachers I work with this year who've been as welcoming as my teachers last year weren't... The tram, the wooden doors and shutters, the stray cats, the Vespa permanently parked on the sidewalk on my street... These aren't things I take for granted. These are things I love.
I can't make this into a proper list like I did last year, because unlike last year, I know I'm not coming back. Suffice it to say that this is eating me alive.
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Enough sadness. Now for an experiment. In efforts to boost my morale and balance the severe anxiety/desperation with optimism and plaisir, I'm going to try to post at least one "Good Thing" every day. Welcome to Uña's Bonnes Choses.
I'm starting out strong today:
Bonne Chose #1: My mom is FINALLY coming to visit me. She gets here next Saturday.
Bonne Chose #2: The weather has been utterly beautiful this weekend. Beautiful weather = beautiful people.
Bonne Chose #3: Thanks to Laura, I have Speculoos ice cream in my freezer. I'm sorry, Americans, that this might not mean much. But for all my European readers, BE JEALOUS.
Bonne Chose #4: My Horrible Haircut of 2009 is finally, nearly a year later, righting itself. And for that, I say
3 comments:
I will be in Paris for a week next month. We need to see each other. There's no other option.
And I am jealous.
Guigonovitch, (was that it?) you need to tell me which week, and stat! I'm planning on going to Berlin next month and will need to coordinate. We must see each other. There's no other option.
(Thanks for your jealousy.)
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